The Dooms Daily

Government launches new Department for Apologies and Small Fires

Government launches new Department for Apologies and Small Fires

Whitehall promises “rapid-response sorry teams” and “fire management staff with at least one working bucket.” LONDON — In a move described as “long overdue” and “deeply symbolic of modern Britain,” the government has announced the creation of a new Cabinet office division: the Department for Apologies and Small Fires (DASF) — responsible for “managing the…

Illegal Migration

UK to Curb Illegal Migration by Copying Denmark, But With More Tea and Less Hygge

Government hopes to swap small boats for slightly larger ones filled with existential dread LONDON – In a bold, innovative, and definitely-not-last-ditch move, the UK government has announced plans to combat illegal migration by adopting the much-envied Danish model—because nothing says “solution” like imitating the country that gave us both Lego and a national sense…

Trump Threatens Mexico

Trump Threatens Mexico, Canada, and China with Tariffs – Because Why Not?”

Trump threatens Mexico, Canada, and China with tariffs—again. A satirical take on his latest trade war ambitions and why he just really loves the word ‘tariff.’

Should We Be Worried About Our Drinking Water

Should We Be Worried About Our Drinking Water? Experts Say ‘Define Worried’”

Should we be worried about our drinking water? Experts say ‘define worried.’ A satirical look at what’s really in our water and why ignorance might be the best solution

Minimalist Journals

Influencers Now Selling $500 Blank Notebooks as ‘Minimalist Journals’

Satirical take on influencers selling $500 minimalist journals, proving once again that wellness trends can put a price tag on literally nothing.

New Dating App

New Dating App Matches You Based on Shared Phobias

New dating app PhobiaFlirt matches singles based on their shared fears. Discover how mutual terror can be the foundation of love!

Forget yoga

Self-Care Guru Suggests Staring Blankly at a Wall for 30 Minutes to Recharge

Forget yoga—wellness guru Serenity Willow introduces the latest self-care trend: staring blankly at a wall for 30 minutes. Discover why everyone’s embracing the void.

Film Studios to Charge Extra for Movies That Actually Have Plots

Film Studios to Charge Extra for Movies That Actually Have Plots

Satirical take on film studios charging extra for movies with actual plots, compelling characters, and endings that make sense. Is storytelling now a luxury?

Gig Economy Jobs Now Come with Trophy for Most Overworked

Gig Economy Jobs Now Come with Trophy for Most Overworked

In a groundbreaking initiative to boost morale among overworked gig workers, major companies like Uber, Deliveroo, and TaskRabbit have announced a new rewards program: the Overworked Excellence Trophy. This coveted honor will be awarded to gig workers who push themselves to the brink of exhaustion in the name of hustle culture. “The gig economy has…

Scientists Discover New Superfood: The Dust Under Your Fridge

Scientists Discover New Superfood: The Dust Under Your Fridge

Move over kale—scientists declare the dust under your fridge the next big superfood. Learn why wellness influencers are embracing ‘Gray Gold.’