Whitehall promises “rapid-response sorry teams” and “fire management staff with at least one working bucket.”
LONDON — In a move described as “long overdue” and “deeply symbolic of modern Britain,” the government has announced the creation of a new Cabinet office division: the Department for Apologies and Small Fires (DASF) — responsible for “managing the nation’s growing backlog of official sorries” and “containing fires that are not yet catastrophic, but definitely worrying.”
The department will be overseen by newly-appointed Minister for Regret & Flames, Sir Malcolm Witherford, who assured the public that his team is “fully prepared to address any situation ranging from mild embarrassment to flames reaching ankle height.”
A Two-Tier Strategy: Apologies First, Flames Second
According to the official briefing document — already released in the wrong font and quickly recalled — DASF will operate under a simple but ambitious mandate:
- Issue prompt apologies on behalf of the government for “anything that looks bad in the papers before 9am.”
- Send trained civil servants to extinguish fires categorised as:
- “Small”
- “Mostly small”
- “Technically medium, but manageable if you don’t look too closely”
“Britain thrives on two things: tradition and pretending everything is fine,” said Sir Malcolm, adjusting his fireproof tie. “This new department will ensure we remain world leaders in both.”
A National Backlog of Unaddressed Sorries
Government sources say the UK’s apology deficit has reached critical levels, with over 14,000 pending sorries ranging from:
- train delays
- policy announcements accidentally released before they were thought through
- the BBC
- the weather
- the government’s previous apologies
“We’re simply trying to keep up,” admitted one senior civil servant while sorting through a filing cabinet labelled ‘Oops Box’.
Addressing the Rise in Small Fires
DASF will also handle the “significant increase in minor blazes” reported across the nation — including:
- overheating government laptops
- bin fires behind supermarkets
- symbolic flames representing the economy
- anything on fire but not considered ‘vote-losing’
The department has purchased six buckets (three still in packaging), two fire blankets, and a WhatsApp group titled “not urgent but worth a look.”
Public Reaction Mixed, Mildly Warm
Reaction to the announcement has ranged from cautious approval to quiet despair.
One London resident said:
“If they could also do potholes, I’d vote for them.”
Another asked whether the department would handle “emotional fires,” such as stress caused by watching the news. Officials confirmed this remains “under review,” provided funding extends beyond the financial quarter (it won’t).
Future Plans
In a final note, the government hinted at additional crisis-management departments launching later this year, including:
- The Ministry of Slight Panic
- The Office for Lost Documents & Misplaced Ministers
- The Bureau of Things That Probably Won’t Explode
The Prime Minister’s office released a short statement regarding the new department, reading only:
“We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
We are looking into the smoke.”
